May 02, 2004
i've been ranting countless times in the past couple weeks on this blog, about my work, my schedule, my "financial problems" and such like. nothing's gonna compare to this rant. i feel mad enough to curse something, although in complete sincerity i've never uttered a swear word in my life. but i know this anger's going to flare bright and then fade, leaving me cold and bitter, which means i've got to choose to love what makes me mad. and WHY i'm mad is this. if people are going to talk about me, do it to my face, don't gossip behind my back. especially about things that are not true.
talking to my mother the other day, she began to lecture me about...well certain things. to be more specific, to not do certain things because they're bad and sinful and a whole multitude of other things and i wholeheartedly agreed with her because i DID NOT DO THEM. apparently someone's been telling her bad...too mad to come up with a synonym for bad...hey that rhymes...things about me behind my back. and i wouldn't mind so much if they were true, at least i couldn't say anything about that. but no, they're not true and that's what mades me angry.
and while i know the church is full of gossip and cliques and violence, pain and pride, that knowledge doesn't prevent it from hurting. i know some of the things people say about me, and frankly that doesn't bother me at all. i might even be flattered to be a topic of conversation. in fact i've been gossiped about for the better part of my life. in grade 8 there were rumours about me being a witch? i laughed, my first thought was, "what are they going to do, burn me at the stake? tie me on a chair and see if i float?"
but when it gets me in trouble with my parents, well then it must stop.
if it were kids maybe i could teach them not to gossip. but i can't teach adults not to gossip, can i? maybe not, but i should love them. and right now that's the hardest thing in the world.
